Thoughts on a Sunday…

Why?

I don’t really know where to begin as I write this.  I honestly wasn’t even sure if I should.  News came to me that deeply saddened me for a second time over the course of a year (a little over, perhaps).

The first time it came to me was last summer.  August?  I am not sure.  It’s really quite a blur.  Well, let me remind myself for a bit- last year was a hard year.  I was happy to say goodbye to 2015, while I did appreciate a lot of moments from it.  But heavens.  So much loss and so much pain from 2015.  Joy arises from extreme sadness.. I think we all grip on to those little slices of heaven when going through heartache.  And that was something I was very grateful for.

Cancer.  Cancer really sucks.  It’s taken many loved ones of mine and each time it happens, I pray just a little harder that a cure can be found… desperation may be a better description of how I sound in my prayers.  After talking to one of the smartest men I know, I believe a cure for cancer isn’t too far off.  Praise God.

But fear.  Because let us all be honest- most of us know someone who has been diagnosed with cancer.  And it’s a really awful disease and even more awful is watching someone fight for their life.  And it doesn’t discriminate.  It chooses who it wants and it takes and takes and takes.

And goodness, have I seen some fight so hard.  Some winning their battle and some setting themselves free.  Free of the pain and free of the worry.  And I am happy for them that they set themselves free.  Even if it wasn’t their choice.. they deserve to be free.  They deserve to be with our Creator and to be peaceful.  Free.  I wonder what exactly that feels like?

A dearly loved woman, who I love so incredibly much… is fighting so hard.  She beat the odds when she was diagnosed.  Grim prognosis’ and grim findings, however she refused to give up.  She refused to say ok to this ugly disease and fought for over a year.  Then another grim diagnosis a week and a half ago for her.  I wish I could scream on the top of my lungs.  But what GOOD will that do?  How will it help?  It won’t.  So I pray. I pray. I pray.  And I decided to make a few promises to myself.

I vow never to be anyone but ME.  I may be weird.  I may be odd.  But I am ok with that.  Actually, I think I’m pretty awesome.

I vow to never judge someone for being who they are.  I may not understand it, but please, be unapologetically you.  I will support you and I will love you.

I vow to be the best mom I know how to be to my kids.  I may not know it all, I will never claim to.  But God gave them to ME and I will care for them with His divine guidance and to the best of my abilities.

I vow to fight for love and whatever else is worth fighting for.

I vow to trust God’s path even though I am not sure if it is the right one for me.

I vow to prioritize my health.  After all, we only get one life and one body.  I will take care of mine.

I vow to document my life.  My kids.  My family.  The kids NEED these memories.

I vow to work on my anxiety in a healthy way.  To not let it steal joy from my life.

I vow to not teach my anxious ways to my kids.  It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and I hate the thought that they may have to as well.

I vow to put my everything in each and every single thing I partake in.

I vow to express my feelings to everyone I need to express them to.  Even though it may be hard. It’s important to tell the ones you care about how much they truly mean to you.  If you can’t tell them- show them.  Just make sure they know how much they mean to you.

I vow to love ME for ME.  Awkward, insecure, beautiful and crazy ME.  I’m worth loving and I vow to love me.

#cancerreallysucks

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